I shouldn’t write this to you, to be honest I’m just writing this & I don’t even know if I’ll send it to you, but if you’re reading this then I obviously sent it. I wish I could’ve said all this in person, but you know I’m a quiet person, I can never find the right words until it’s all said & done, & no matter what words I choose in whatever arrangement I align them in, I can never find the breath to say them to you. I wish I could relive the past several months just to be back in the moment again & maybe that’s why I keep wanting to just see you & spend time with you because I want to live in that moment just a little bit longer. I was never ready to let that go. I’m still not ready to let any of that go. I also know that I can’t have that anymore. Sometimes i feel like all the things I want to say to you are the last words cause I literally empty myself to you, & since I’m not the same person I was yesterday, those words never end. I have nothing to say when I’m with you because when I look at you, I forget everything, I can’t remember the pain I was feeling or the sadness that has been sitting in my chest. I forget why we even decide to see each other after everything, I get so lost in you, & the crazy part of me thinks that I can have it all. I don’t know what to do when I’m with you, when it hurts, I cry, when it feels good I laugh & I smile, I can’t help but act the way I feel & I’m sorry that I get so caught up every single time even when I tell myself to never do that again.
I’m sorry a billion times, & I forgive you a million times. For all that you did, for all that you didn’t do, I forgive you.
I have never been so affectionate, so deeply intertwined with another other than you & all the things I got used to, all the things I knew from being with you, I need to forget & I need to unlearn them. Whether this is the end or not, I know we need to say it’s the end, & I know it was real because it hurts like hell. I can’t be angry at you for the way things are because I can’t help but smile about everything & that’s what hurts the most - I can’t say you’re the worst because you’re the best thing that ever happened to me. You’re right when you said when someone comes into your life & you just know they’re meant to stay forever. You gave me the best spring, the best summer, everything you are, everything you have done for me, I will never ever forget, I will always be grateful for you. When you kiss me, it feels like you’re telling me everything that can’t be put into words; when you’re laying with me, it feels like I’m somehow in heaven; your fingers fit in the spaces between mine, your body feels right when it’s next to me; when you look at me, I just want time to stop because I could look at you looking at me that way forever. The best kind of people are the ones who come into life just for a little while, but they make it feel like it’s forever, they make you yearn for more, they make you feel like thunder & fire & hurricanes, they make you want to be a better person, & they make you want to believe in yourself because they believe so much in you. With my dreams in mind & in heart, I know that you’re someone I could never forget or completely let go of no matter how hard I tried, & I hope it’s the same for you. I wish I could hug you one more time before I leave this behind, I wish you could just kiss me & tell me everything’s going to be okay. I wish time didn’t have to be so sensitive, I wish distance didn’t have to be so selfish, I wish we were more mature for this & maybe that’s why it’s for the best. So much has changed, & your answer to what you asked me earlier when you asked why I was crying, is that I was crying because we changed, & not because things are different, not because we have to go our separate ways, but because even though all that happened & so much changed, I still laid in bed & I still get so lost in you, I keep feeling what I feel you & that’s why I was crying because I know that I can’t feel that way & now I have to learn to fight it.
When I first met you, I didn’t know what I was getting myself into, I had no expectations, nothing in mind, nothing in heart, but you’ve left me with so much, so many feelings, so many memories, & just as I came, I know that leaving empty-handed is the best. I never needed heartbreaks, or feelings, or memories, or any of the details that we became to entailed in, but between the lines, you gave me affection, attention, & you made me feel like someone cared & that someone wanted me, & that is more than what I could have ever asked for.
I hope this year & season treats you well, I know that when I hear of your school or you, I’ll always root for you. If we fall out of touch, know that I always wish you luck before games, I always know you played your heart out no matter what the outcome, whatever happens in your career, I am always cheering you on from wherever I am, don’t ever forget that. & throughout the years & your career, I hope you find love, I hope you find peace with life, I hope you find success, I hope you find a safe-haven, & I hope you find everything you’ve ever wished for because there isn’t a day where I don’t wish the world for you because you deserve it & I only hope that someone will make you feel like the sun is shining a little bit brighter & like there are more stars in the sky because you did that for me & I just hope someone like that comes into your life & makes you want to love so much, so recklessly, so relentlessly.
I hate goodbyes, I suck at it.
I wish I could have said this all to you in person, but I couldn’t & I can’t because every time we go our separate ways, it’s always see you soon, & never goodbye.
But right now, it’s goodbye, & for us, whatever we are, it’s always until a different time in a different place.
No matter what my novels to you say, if it’s from me to you, it always comes from the bottom of my heart, & it’s always always always sealed with a kiss.